Debbie Cousins's Journal, 03 Feb 19

This will be a long post, but if you want to get to know me better, I hope it will be worth the read. As I weighed in this morning for the 6th day of the “Daily Accountability 2019-#4” challenge, I realized that I will most likely report a GAIN for my final challenge weigh-in tomorrow. I went back through my Challenge History, expecting to be able to show that this was the FIRST time I had GAINED during one of these Challenges. This led me to a real awakening as to just WHY I might have a gain this week.

I began administrating challenges on 2/12/18 (almost a year ago). In the first challenge, I lost 2 pounds. But, in the next two weeks, I reported GAINS – a 2.2-pound gain from 2/19-2/26/2018, and a 1.8-pound gain from 2/26-03/05/2018. The reason? I was under a LOT of stress and suffered from severe depression! In fact, from 3/1-3/8, 2018, I was in a mental hospital (or, more politically correct, the “Behavioral Awareness” unit of a major hospital. I’ve been on some form of anti-depressant for the past 25 years. Those who have some sort of chemical imbalance in their brain know that there’s no shame in needing medication – any more than a diabetic would feel for needing insulin!

I had just gone through the 2nd anniversary of my sister Sue’s passing from cancer, and I was desperately trying to get the money together to go to California (from Virginia) and visit my Mom in a nursing home, and to see my sister’s long-time best friend, who was going through a terrible health situation. Sue would have been there for both of them. But, Sue was gone, and I desperately wanted to be there FOR her! An unexpected bill “stole” the $500 I had saved toward the trip, and it was a crushing blow to me! I couldn’t stop crying uncontrollably!

As a Christian, a mental hospital was the LAST PLACE I ever thought I would end up! I know that “My God shall supply all my needs.” I know that “All things work together for good to them that love God.” I know that “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." But, despite this knowledge, I just couldn’t pull myself together to handle the problem at hand. I thought I just needed a medication adjustment (which happens every few years); but, with the “new” insurance we had last year, the new PCP wouldn’t be able to see me for A WEEK! I called the insurance company and hysterically told them I could not WAIT a week. They had me talk to someone in their psych department, who told me that the only way I could get my meds adjusted would be to go to a major hospital and tell them that I wanted to die. (I didn't want to KILL myself, but I DID want to DIE.)

Anyway, before I get TOO FAR off point (if I haven’t already done so), I just realized today that in two days, it will once again be the anniversary of my sister’s passing (3 years now). Even though this hasn’t been at the forefront of my mind, it has been simmering there, just below the surface. It’s a sad time for me. Sue and I had grown SOOO very close during her illness, with me going for several weeks at a time to stay with her through surgeries, chemo and radiation. And, that’s what I think is causing me to get a little off track right now, to “give in” a little more to myself, to want more “comfort food.” Today, I even broke my 34-day abstinence from Diet Coke!

For the record, in the weeks that followed, I recorded a 3-pound loss from 03/05-03/12/2018 and a one-pound loss from 3/12-3/19/2018. Then, for reasons which I will briefly explain in the next paragraph, I didn’t do anything on FatSecret for over 10 months. Since being back, I lost 2 pounds in the Daily Accountability 2019-#1 challenge, lost 3 pounds in the DA2019-#2 Challenge, and lost one pound in the DA2019-#3 challenge. SO, if I record a gain for this week, I still feel very good about all the progress I’ve made up until now, and I look forward to the progress I will continue to make in the coming weeks (and years)!

That 10-1/2-month period of absence from FatSecret was filled with wonder and awe! Even though I never expected to be at a mental hospital, God had strategically placed me there for greater purposes than I could ever have imagined. While there, I met an alcoholic who had been living on the streets, homeless, for the past two years. His name is Dwayne, and God prompted me to do something that IIIII would NEVER have done: He impressed upon me to invite Dwayne to come and stay at our home! Mind you, I’m a VERY cautious person, and would never so much as pick up a hitchhiker, much less invite a homeless alcoholic into my house!

Long story short, Dwayne has been with us since our release date of 3/8/18, and he is now an integral part of our family! He has only slipped up with the alcohol ONE time, right around the 6-month mark. He has been a tremendous help to my husband (who has severe health issues), and he was company for him in the six weeks during which I had to go back to California for my mother’s decline and eventual death. Dwayne also has a history in landscaping, and he has been a life-saver in taking care of our 10-acre church property! (For those who are interested in the spiritual side of things, Dwayne got saved the second week he was with us, and he has attended EVERY church service since he came here! Once the weather warms up, he will be baptised.)

The other equally miraculous thing that happened during that one-week stay was that I met my best friend! She is an aspiring actress, precisely HALF my age, and she was in desperate need of someone to believe in her and to encourage her. So, instead of spending my time on the FatSecret site encouraging others, I spent those several months intensively “discipling” my new friend. I still love her dearly, we are still and always will be very close, and we still spend time together. But, around the first of the year I came to the realization that I needed to start ministering to others again, too – not just solely to her.

And, that’s why I’m back. I host these “Daily Accountability” Challenges to be able to support others in their weight-loss journey. And, in so doing, I also help myself – by taking seriously my desire to be able to say, “Do as I DO, not just as I say.” One of my favorite Bible passages, and the one that most accurately describes the relationship I feel with my challenge members is from Ecclesiastes 4:8-10: “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow. But woe unto him that is alone when he falleth, for he hath not another to lift him up.”

May you always have someone there to lift you up; and, God willing, I hope that person can be me!

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1081 kcal

Fat: 80.93g | Prot: 49.03g | Carbs: 44.24g.   Breakfast: Great Value Pork Sausage Patty, Oscar Mayer Center Cut Bacon, Eggland's Best Large Grade A Eggs, Land O'Lakes Heavy Whipping Cream, SweetLeaf 100% Natural Stevia Sweetener, Twinings Chai Tea. Lunch: Duke's Mayonnaise, McDonald's Quarter Pounder Patty. Dinner: Asian Pears. more...